Picking flowers in the Outfield…
What a strange title, right? If you know me, you’ll know it’s not that strange, but rather fitting. My sister and I have this joke between us about how while life is happening all around us; we’re in our own little world. Just like a child participating in a ball game, I am that kid in the outfield, so intent on picking flowers, that the baseball flies by my head. I’d eventually realize it was there and it was up to me to get it… but it is not nearly as fascinating (or as important to me) as my own thoughts…
So, this is what this blog is all about. It’s a window into what that little girl in the outfield is so intent on that she loses all concept of the world around her. At times you may feel as though you wasted your time reading it, other times it may cause you to reconsider your own thought processes. The thing with me is- you never quite know what you’re going to get.
I cannot predict myself. I am fascinated with personality tests. Not the “what your lipstick says about you” type test (however those can be fun), but the actual life-informing tests, such as the Meyer’s –Briggs test, Kolbe test, and Strength-finders test. There are others out there that are good as well, but this isn’t really about that. I believe that to know yourself fully is the best way to make you a better person. However, at times it reveals things about you that you may have not realized and had previously thought quite the opposite- good or bad.
Such as the Meyer’s-Briggs test, my result showed me as an ENFP. Now I could go into detail about what that all means, but I don’t want to totally bore you. In a nutshell it means that I am an Extrovert, iNtuitive, Feeling and Percieving person. However, what I want to concentrate on now is what the F stands for. (I promise I have a point in all of this.) F stands for Feeling.
I have to go further into my psyche so that you will understand what I am getting at…
I love my mother. I really do. However that woman can drive me crazy! She knows that. (I love you, MOM!) We recently decided to have a “girl’s day” together. We argued the entire time! Not about anything important either! I just have this uncontrollable urge to prove her wrong, since she believes she is right about every subject under the sun, whether she has ever heard of it or not! My mother is also a very emotional woman. I grew up with this my entire life and am not sure when or at what age this started annoying me (I saw and considered it a weakness), somewhere along the way I decided I didn’t want to be like that. The only course then would be to act entirely different from her when those situations arose. What ensued was a lifestyle in denial of being an emotional person who bases their actions on what they feel.
What I didn’t realize is I could change the way I acted, but not the way I felt. Even if I did not show those feelings, they were all still living inside me, ready to explode in one way or another. I am not open enough to share the experiences of how those emotions exploded and got the better of me at times… Those moments are always an embarrassment to me, because I know better. I know one should not act on their feelings, because feelings change- they are not constant. So, “To feel or not to feel?”, that is the question that I had to come to terms with.
I finally decided to feel. I am tired of fighting with myself. Tired of feeling like a failure for not being like others who seem to have such control in that area. I realized that being a “Feeler” can be a good thing. I think I understand things on a more personal level than others can possibly consider. So now I try to use this to my advantage. After all, God made me this way. He made mankind in His image. God feels. Why can’t I? I believe it makes me a better writer, among other things.
Now considering this blog – you never know what you’re going to get. At times, it may be spiritual, religious, comical, musical and even pointless. Doesn’t that sound like life? So, dear reader, this blog may or may not interest you. It may even only interest you at times. That’s totally ok. So, regardless of number of readers or followers, I have to write- it is an urging, a feeling that I must do, like a craving that must be obeyed. After all, I am an ENFP. ;)
